How I Deal With Mom Guilt During the Holidays

When my son Ezra was in fifth grade, I took a personal day to help out at his class holiday party. For working mothers, the holidays are a tough time to volunteer in the classroom. In my case, I was dealing with end-of-year reviews, securing budget and headcount for the next year, and corporate holiday parties after work. As a “Breadwinner Wife,” taking time off was tough, but I knew this would be a rare opportunity to interact with Ezra’s entire class and meet some of his classmates’ parents.

The night before the party, the class mom who was organizing the party emailed all of the other moms who had volunteered (yes, it was only mothers that day) with their assignments. My assignment was helping children use a glue gun to attach felt shapes to a snowman. Immediately, I called my neighbor who has three daughters and asked her what a glue gun was and how to use it.

Entering the classroom, I was in awe of what the class mom and her helpers had put together — six separate stations with crafts that came out looking like they could be sold on Etsy. She was the same mother who invited the entire class to her son’s birthday party, where Ezra got a gift bag I wanted to co-opt for myself.

The glue gun seemed fiddly, hot, and dangerous. After a few minutes of watching me struggle, the class mom seemed to take pity on me, and thankfully reassigned me to a new station where nobody was in danger of being maimed.

To say I am not “crafty” is an understatement. Fortunately, my two sons were low-maintenance when it came to decor, and never suggested baking as an activity for a playdate or sleepover. We are Jewish, and thus don’t have a Christmas tree (the thought of decorating one literally causes me palpitations).

There are so many different components that come together to make me feel “less than” as a wife and a mom.

I consider myself a pretty confident person. Put me on a podium in front of hundreds of conference attendees and I can hold my own. Challenging the guy who has held the pool table for the last five games, no problem. Hosting dinner and cocktail parties at my home comes with ease (thanks to my husband, Travis, the cook in our household). My role as hostess consists of witty repartee, heavy pours, and cleanup. But during the holiday season, I seem to lose my mojo. In fact, for the past decade, I have declined invitations to an annual “cookie exchange” party, though it’s hosted by one of my closest friends. This is explained only partially by the fact that I don’t like baking. The true reason for my evasion: to avoid being judged for my lack of domestic skills.

Even though I am very comfortable in my anti-Martha Stewart persona, the holidays can still be triggering. There are so many different components that come together to make me feel “less than” as a wife and a mom. Generally, mothers are responsible for purchasing holiday decor and gifts, wrapping presents, and getting out the annual holiday card. For example, I know other mothers put together holiday cards that start arriving immediately after Thanksgiving and feature smiling and matching family members posing in wholesome or exotic locations. Our neighbors go all out when it comes to holiday lighting and decor; my sons’ classmates’ moms perfectly wrap gifts for their teachers. I’m surrounded by homemade fudge, peanut brittle, and cookies — which are delicious, until they make me feel guilty for not reciprocating. As a Breadwinner Wife, I have never been skilled in the “domestic arts,” and have relied on my husband (who was a stay-at-home dad for a decade) for most of the shopping and preparing of delicious meals.

So, back to the cookie swap — to which I’ve been invited every year for the past decade. In the early years, I could beg off this daytime party based on my work schedule. For the past few years, I’ve had more flexibility in my work schedule, but have still declined. I am good friends with all of the attendees, so it’s not social anxiety that is keeping me from attending. Recently, I realized that I had become the cookie curmudgeon, mostly because anything I had baked and shared would look unappetizing compared to the gourmet cookies they’d be placed next to. It’s stressful for me to think about how to package said cookies in anything other than a Ziploc bag. Again, these are my good friends, who understand my strengths. They know that if you need a custom crossword puzzle or scavenger hunt, or have to plan and manage finances for a girls’ weekend, I am your gal. So why would an educated, confident woman get nervous about attending a cookie swap with her good friends? Perhaps she (that is, I) should get over this anxiety.

This year, I am not dealing with an end-of-year work frenzy. And I have decided to let go of my insecurities. I have even said yes to the cookie swap. I will bake cookies (peanut butter blossoms, which seem pretty foolproof). I will proudly package them in Ziploc bags. And I will appreciate my friends’ vastly more artistic presentations without feeling badly about myself.

After years of struggling with guilt and anxiety about not being the “perfect” parent and partygoer during the holidays, other changes have helped me actually enjoy this time with my family and friends. For one, we started sending out Valentine’s Day cards instead of holiday cards, as it’s too stressful for me to get them out before the end of the year. I also bring cheese plates (replete with really tasty, fancy cheese) to other people’s dinners or cocktail parties — not a cheese board, mind you, but generally universally appreciated. And, ultimately, I proudly stay in my lane. I know my friends appreciate the many things I can (and do) bring to our relationships — fun, planning, and even spreadsheets. I’ll continue to lean into these strengths, especially during the holidays. Somebody else can deck the darn halls.

Michele Madansky, PhD, is a digital research and advertising pioneer and sought-after media and market research consultant. Over her 15 years as a consultant, she has worked with top digital brands and media companies, including Spotify, Pinterest, YouTube, and Adobe. Dr. Madansky holds a Bachelor of Science from Brown University, and an MBA and PhD from the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business.