Why Don’t I Have Photos With Close Friends? Experts Explain

It goes without saying that TikTok theories on friendships, relationships, — and anything else — should be taken with a grain of salt. Advice or commentary can go sour fast, but on the off chance it’s relatable, it can strike a chord. Creator @krtivz’s video on a friendship phenomenon did the latter. The video has gained over 1.5 million likes and 13,000 comments that resonate with Trivieri’s theory: “The closer you are to your friends, the less photos you have together.”

A good photo is Gen-Z’s cultural capital. Sharing your latest vacation, outfit, or night out on Instagram is an entire form of communication in its own right. You’d think that the significance of taking photos extends to how we confirm our friendships, but the commenters on Trivieri’s video say otherwise. Commenter Gia Lee wrote that the lack of photos is because “we live in the moment and laugh until we have tears in our eyes. It’s genuinely about quality time.” Beauty creator Jackie Asamoah agreed with Trivieri’s take: “This is so true lol. I’ve also realized the people I post pics with the least are the relationships I want to protect the most.”

As a Gen-Zer myself, the disconnect made no sense. We’re constantly on our phones — why wouldn’t taking photos with our closest friends feel the most comfortable? Not to mention, photographs are critical for our memories. Still, the video resonated with me, so I decided to poll my social network and relationship experts to learn more.

Experts Featured in This Article

Chandra Khalifian, MD, is a clinical psychologist, researcher, and educator based in San Diego, CA.

Kayla Knopp, MD, is a clinical psychologist, researcher, and educator based in San Diego, CA.

Patricia Dixon, MD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, speaker, author, and life coach in Palmetto, FL.

Jewel Hohman is a friendship and connection expert based in Flint, MI.

I polled 81 people on Instagram Stories, asking, “Do you feel like you have good photos with your close friends?” 68 people voted no, and only 13 voted yes.

Most who voted no had a similar explanation to the comments on the TikTok post: Hannah explained that when she’s with her friends, they’re “taking too long catching up or talking, and we don’t have time to take good pics before we go somewhere.” On the other hand, she notices that taking photos can fill time or solidify a less-close friendship “because you might not be talking as much as you would with a close friend.” Abby noted something similar: “I feel like I don’t have to please my close friends. There’s no need to validate with a photo. I ask people I’m not super close with for photos to validate a friendship.”

The explanation for why we all feel this way may be simple: “People tend to spend time with people who are similar to them,” says Chandra Khalifian, MD, a clinical psychologist, researcher, and educator. “There are lots of people whose best friends are people who they spend time with in places to be seen and are constantly taking photos.”

In other words, a confirmation bias may play a part in the phenomenon’s universality. If it didn’t resonate with you, you wouldn’t necessarily comment or repost a video on TikTok (or reply to a poll). However, Kayla Knopp, MD, a clinical psychologist, researcher, and educator, confirms that it’s normal to not think about our next photo, even with our closest friends. “I’m probably thinking about paying attention to whoever I’m talking to,” she says.

We also can’t ignore the impact of our aesthetic standards in photos, especially if we know they will be posted somewhere. They can affect our desire to take pictures altogether. “There’s a higher standard for how people are supposed to look that feels kind of performative,” says Dr. Knopp. “If everybody’s taking pictures to put on Instagram to look hot, that doesn’t feel fun.”

Feeling pressure to look a certain way and, therefore, document and post it is an experience that expands outside the friendship world. And this experience might have diluted our understanding of photographs. “When I revisit handheld photographs that were from throwaway cameras, the meaning behind those moments has depth to it,” shares Patricia Dixon, MD, a licensed clinical psychologist, speaker, author, and life coach. “When it’s just a photo op, it’s less about creating genuine memories and more about having a photo of a memory that doesn’t really exist.”

Still, the act of snapping and sharing photos is a good, healthy way to deepen a friendship and important in the process of making a friend. “Nobody meets all of a sudden, and [instantly] we’re on confidant levels,” says Dr. Dixon. “In the beginning, when we’re moving somebody from a casual acquaintance to friend status, research shows it takes about 80 to 100 hours.” Performing in the way of a photo op session with a friend might make you feel closer and cement the friendship, according to connection expert Jewel Hohman.

Regarding our true inner circle, Hohman cites “cognitive monitoring” as to why we might feel more comfortable not taking photos with close friends. In short, cognitive monitoring is when we’re aware of how our actions will be perceived. For example, being particular about what we say in a social setting to fit in. We’re so comfortable with our close friends that the cognitive monitoring guard is let down: “There’s an unspoken understanding that we are already invested in each other,” says Hohman.

This subconscious comprehension reinforces the adage that healthy romantic partners don’t post each other to social media, and it’s the same way with healthy friendships. “We don’t need to perform with each other; We don’t need to curate anything for validation because an emotional foundation has already been laid, so we can have a low-maintenance nature to our interactions.”

Ultimately, taking authentic, uncontrived photos with your most intimate friends and family is still important. Dr. Dixon shares how having photographs of her mother after her passing was crucial in keeping her memory alive. “When you lose a person, yes, you have the memories in your mind, but there’s something to be said [about photographs]. Every photograph that I’m able to flip through and look at, does she look perfect in all of those pictures? No, but she looks perfectly her. I get to remember her through images that really represent who she was.”

As Gen-Z grows up out of institutions like high school and college, they may be surprised at the challenge of forging close friendships as an adult. Finding friends isn’t as easy as someone sitting next to you in class every day for a year. And a dearth of photos may reveal something about our lack of effort in taking the time to develop our friendships.

“Investing in your community and these friendships is a form of self-care,” says Dr. Dixon. “Challenging yourself to go beyond that little bit of discomfort . . . that does bring the biggest reward, like working out or investing in a bank account. Many of us aren’t in positions or environments where [making friends] can feel very natural. We have to work on our social fitness.”

There you have it, folks: a doctor’s note encouraging you to snap selfies with your friend — new or well-established — and preserve your authentic experience together.