Brat Kink: Sex Experts Explain the BDSM Term

The sun is shining, it’s steamy outside, plenty of new music is topping the charts, so you know what that means: it’s summertime, baby. It’s no secret that the pop girlies are largely to thank for the fun being had this summer: there’s Sabrina Carpenter and Chappell Roan, Taylor Swift is still slaying the Eras Tour — but Charli XCX has truly set the tone for the season.

“Brat summer” is in full swing thanks to her new album, “Brat.” People around the world have been united by their love for these new club bangers, and many have fully embodied the brat lifestyle. Charli’s idea of being a brat likely involves what her lyrics suggest (namely being a “3-6-5 party girl”), but in other circles, the term has an entirely different meaning.

The kink community has been full of year-round brats for decades. Generally known for their sass, petulance, and a playful sprinkle of disobedience, people who identify as a brat on the spectrum of kink find enjoyment in embracing being bratty. This can mean something different to each person, sure, but the brat role is a subculture stemming from the overall submissive side of the kink world.

Plenty of couples and singles who practice some form of BDSM enjoy the traditional dominant-submissive relationship, but sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova, MEd, explains that being a brat in the bedroom offers a unique twist on the D/s dynamic. “The brat role is there to add some more spice to power dynamics in kink spaces,” she tells PS. “The brat is never just well-behaved, but also not always defiant. It is a sweet balance that requires patience, creativity, and some attitude. The brat role allows a middle ground for people to really explore so many parts of themselves.”

Experts Featured in This Article

Javay Frye-Nekrasova, MEd, sex educator also known as The Millennial Sexpert.

Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, PhD, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and sex therapist.

So, What Does It Mean to Be a Brat in the Kink World?

If you’re in a relationship and spend a lot of time with your partner, chances are one or both of you has at least slightly annoyed the other on occasion. If you have a menstrual cycle, for example, you may have caught an attitude or shown some sass with them when you’re experiencing PMS. (Been there.) Imagine doing so — but you both get turned on by it. Therein lies the distinction of a kinky brat.

“For those who do identify with having a submissive power role orientation, ‘brat’ can be a persona that emerges when they’re in a submissive headspace,” says sex therapist Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, PhD, LCSW. In some cases, they explain, a brat might “intentionally [antagonize] in order to get punished or corrected, or put in their place, such as teasing, ‘misbehaving,’ etc. For some it’s a form of age play, in which someone will ‘regress’ to roleplay a persona with a younger age and bratty disposition.”

It’s important to note that, as with any role or dynamic in the kink community, everything is on a spectrum and what works for one person may be completely unacceptable for another. Each brat assumes the role for their own reasons.

For Claire, being a brat developed organically once she started exploring a D/s dynamic with her current partner. “I realized I identified as a brat a few years ago,” she shares. “I would often bite my partner, which he didn’t always like, and my therapist prompted me to think about why I did it. Was it for attention? Was it playful? What was the ‘purpose’ of this bratting? That led me down a deeper rabbit hole into kink, listening to tons of different podcasts and learning about brats as a category of sub. Being a brat is an extension of my regular snarky, sarcastic, playful personality.”

How Is Being a Brat Different From Being a Submissive?

Considering how personal sexuality and kink are to each person, no two brats are exactly the same. Sometimes it might even be difficult to spot the difference between being submissive and being bratty if a person’s brat-related behaviors are more subtle.

That said, Frye-Nekrasova explains that there are some typical distinctions that separate a brat from someone who solely identifies as a sub. “A submissive generally follows what their dom(me) says with very little push back,” she says. “Submissives generally create less tension in power dynamics, whereas brats make the power dynamic more of a push-pull in the sense that sometimes they are going to push the envelope with their dom(me), and other times pull at them to get a desired reaction.”

Again, Dr. Pitagora stresses that not every behavior or dynamic is the same, so it’s important not to make assumptions or generalizations (and that goes for the entire spectrum of kink). For example, “Some people identify with power role orientations (e.g., submissive, dominant, switch, etc), and some people enjoy assuming the role during a scene, but don’t consider it part of their sexual orientation,” they say.

Claire also shares that, for her, being a brat is more of a “flavor” of submission. “The fact that my Dom loves, cares for, and manages all parts of me — including the parts that love to cause a little scene, make me feel so held and seen,” she says. “We have structures in place around bratting that he likes less, such as biting. For a while, we had a rule where I had a set number of bites per month, and if I went over there would be a severe punishment. Every month we would negotiate the amount, which was a pretty fun back and forth.”

Claire adds, “There is a lot of wordplay and banter in our scenes and relationship in general, and he lets me know when I’ve gone too far and need to back off. Sometimes he’ll make me promise to behave in a sweet, good girl way, knowing that even if I promise to do so, it’s just not within me. This kind of ‘setting me up to fail’ is the catalyst for some really fun times.”

How Can I Incorporate Being a Brat in My Relationship?

You may be surprised to learn that being kinky doesn’t always equal being sexual. There are people whoenjoy kink activities but don’t engage in intercourse. This leaves room for a variety of ways you can explore being a brat within your relationship.

Whether you aren’t a very sexual person or you want to approach trying kink more slowly, Dr. Pitagora suggests starting with individual experimentation first. “If someone identifies as a brat in ‘vanilla’ life, my recommendation is to be aware of this and understand why it feels good, what they get out of it, and then talk to their partner(s) (or whoever is on the receiving end) to let them know and get consent for that kind of interaction,” they say.

Dr. Pitagora adds, “If the other person agrees to being in that kind of dynamic, it’s also a good idea to agree on a safe word or way to talk about it in case things change, or they need a break from it for whatever reason.” As always, they note, proper communication is essential.

Claire tends to agree, and expresses that a consistent stream of communicating keeps things at a nice “simmer.” “We have negotiated that a light spanking or punishment at any (socially acceptable, private) time is OK, so my bratting is a form of communication,” she explains. “If we are going about our days, I can essentially make a bid for attention by saying or doing something a little bit not allowed. In public, I can subtly annoy my Dom and then say, ‘And there’s nothing you can do about it.’ I love the stormy look on his face when that happens, and the knowledge that I most certainly am going to be in ‘trouble’ later.”

As long as you and your partner(s) place physical safety, emotional safety, and communication at the forefront, you can develop a healthy and exciting kink dynamic. Your relationship is your own, and you get to conduct it in whatever ways bring you both mutual pleasure. In other words, “brat summer” away.